Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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