We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
