finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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