Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
