Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
