...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
whose ass print is on the piano?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
