I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
