I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
