Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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