My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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