My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
