thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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