im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My liver just had a heart attack.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
