Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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