I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
