Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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