I'm laying in your front yard are you home
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize