Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
