I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
