Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
