Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
