this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
