tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
