Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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