So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
