What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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