Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
