Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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