how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
