im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
