U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
