I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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