the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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