Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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