Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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