so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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