My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Randomize
