Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
