I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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