I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
