I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize