i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
