I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I will die if light touches me.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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