If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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