apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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