So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize