After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
