I just saw a hot homeless man
My liver just broke up with me...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
