Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
