Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
