I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my shit smells like andre
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
