All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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