I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
