when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
