i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
