Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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