I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
