There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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