I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize