if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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