i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
