I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
