Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We got so high we made milksteak
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
