I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
