i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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